Even if it Kills Me
by TeaPotts
Summary: Jess can't find the spark between her and Becker anymore, so she decides to call it quits. Becker decides he's going to smile and be brave for her, even if it kills him.


**_Author notes: Loosely based on the song "Smile" by Lonestar. _**

**Updated 4/12/13 - just a few tweaks in hopes of making it even better and easier to read. I just thought it was in need of a few tweaks, as my writing has improved since writing this story 4 months ago. I hope my readers, both new and old, will enjoy it! And thank you for the reviews, I really do appreciate them all! x**

Now that they'd been going out for a few months, Jess was starting to find that the initial spark just wasn't there anymore. She'd spent more than one night now, lying in bed, wondering what it was that had attracted her to Becker to begin with. All she could ever come up with was that it was just a crush, that it had always just been a crush. He was attractive; he was tall, dark, and handsome, he had those piercing hazel eyes and lovely hair…such lovely hair…and maybe that was all she'd fallen for. Not that he didn't have an amazing personality as well, she'd come to know him very well and he really wasn't just the loud, tough soldier he portrayed himself to be at the ARC. He was loving, caring and even delicate, he could be a bit shy at times, he was even prone to blushing though he refused to admit he ever had, and he could be quite the romantic despite being 'out of practice'. That was the side of himself he never showed, not to anybody besides her. Then on top of all that he was the brave, bold, strong, cocky, sarcastic and a very authoritative soldier who could bark commands all day and never seem to tire. He had many admirable qualities and he really was quite likable once you knew him, but…oh yes, there was always a but…she just wasn't sure he was really the right man for her anymore. She used to be convinced of it, the way he cared for her and protected her and held her so lovingly, but she just wasn't feeling that way anymore. So maybe, just maybe…it really had all been a crush. Quite a long lasting one, but a crush none the less. She sighed deeply as she sank face first into her bed. It must have been that smile of his that kept her in. She really did love seeing him smile.

"Becker…" Jess said hesitantly, standing before him in his office at the end of a surprisingly lazy day. "I—I think we need to talk." Her voice was barely audible and she immediately sucked in her lower lip as she forced herself to keep eye contact with him.

Becker furrowed his brows as he took in her words and her saddened expression. He felt a lump grow in his throat and he grew concerned.

"Yeah…? Wha—what is it, Jess?" he dared to ask as his heart started beating faster.

He immediately tried to cover any sort of emotion on his face, not wanting to give himself away. It was much harder than pulling a straight face for the military; he'd learned quickly that he could never really hide himself from Jess. He'd also learned to accept it was because he was in love with her, and he'd stopped trying long ago to convince himself otherwise, so he gave up and let her in, because what else could he do? You simply cannot hide yourself from the one you love.

Jess saw the concern in his eyes before he could even attempt to hide it, but she tried to ignore it, knowing it would only make things harder to say. "I don't…I don't really know how to say this…I've never really done this before…" She started, her voice already faltering and she internally cursed herself for being so emotional.

She knew how to do this, she'd been on the receiving end of a break up before, she'd gone over her thoughts and picked her words carefully all night and had spent the entire day mustering up the courage, thankful it wasn't another hellish day that might make her change her mind, so why was she now so afraid to say it? Why was she dragging it out and getting so emotional? She needed to just say it.

It clicked in the back of his head what exactly might be coming, no - not might, he knew it was exactly what was coming. He just wasn't so sure he wanted to believe it. Where did he go wrong? What could he have possibly done? Had he spent too much time in the armoury and not enough time with her? What was it that was suddenly causing her to start this conversation? The questions ceased buzzing in his head as he heard her voice again and he tried once more to force all emotion off his face, realizing he'd cracked in that time he spent wondering.

"It's nothing you did, Hilary. I swear to you, you have done nothing wrong," She said as though she'd read his mind and knew exactly what he was thinking. "In fact, you're an amazing boyfriend; caring, attentive, protective, loving, romantic…I could probably go on but…it's really not the point…sorry..." She closed her eyes tightly, mentally hitting herself for wording it the way she had, it wasn't at all the way she'd planned. "I just…I'm not so sure you're right for me…not that there's anything wrong with you…you're just not right for me." Again, the words hadn't come out quite like planned but she sighed and continued on as best as she could. "I'm so sorry, I don't mean to hurt you or confuse you, I just…I think you were a phase, a crush…I thought I might be in love but I'm not so sure anymore…" Was she starting to get teary eyed now? No, she had to be strong, she had to push past it. She couldn't let herself cry in front of him. "I hope this doesn't ruin things between us, you're an amazing person and I know it sounds stupid and cliche but I forget what I wanted to say so, I just hope we can still be friends…I'd hate to lose you forever!" She'd lost it, completely, and she just blurted out what came to mind, it was all she could think of doing to finish it as quickly as she could and get away from him. It was killing her to see him right now, the way he was so obviously struggling to keep that straight face, the way his hands were clasped behind his back in military style - which she learned was more a nervous habit than anything else when he wasn't actually standing at command and was his way of hiding his shaking hands - and the way he just stood there, forcing eye contact and taking in her every word, trying not to react. She hadn't imagined it would be this hard, in her thoughts she was much stronger and was able to break the news properly, it was nowhere near as messy as reality. Then the last thing she ever expected to happen, happened.

He smiled.

It wasn't even forced, he genuinely let a smile cross his face, albeit his eyes were starting to look rather misty. When he spoke, his voice was wavering only slightly. "Jessica," he said, grabbing her attention immediately and making her wipe at her tears so she could look at him properly. "You don't need to apologize to me. If that's how you feel, than that's how you feel. I can't do anything about that." He took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice calm and steady while he grasped for the right words. "I can't force you to stay…" He said it more as a way to admit it to himself, to say it out loud so he could solidify the thought. "So, if I care about as much as I know I do…the only thing I can do is let you go."

He let his guard down for just a moment and a tear rolled down his cheek. He ignored it and hoped she would too as he pulled his guard back up. He let that smile rest on his face again, he refused to let her see him break, because if she saw him break it would only hurt her more. She didn't need hurt, she needed reassurance and courage, she needed to walk away from him knowing it was the right thing for her…and she would never be able to do that if he cried in front of her.

Jess couldn't help but smile as well, hearing those words instead of the multitude of words that could have come out of his mouth and seeing that smile, that smile she loved so much, genuinely crossing his face put her at ease. He was strong, he would be fine, and she could see that now. She didn't need to worry about him, though a part of her probably still would because that was just how she was, but she'd be able to move on knowing they'd parted in peace.

"So we can still be friends?" She found herself asking, she'd already felt like she'd said dumber things, so why stop this from coming out again? If she was asking, then a part of her really did want to have that reassurance.

"Of course. I'd be lost without my field coordinator," he answered simply and let out a small chuckle. "And I'll always be here for you, Jessica. Nothing can change that," he added, forcing back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She let out a laugh, mostly out of relief, and then nodded her head, not even sure what to say back to him, just happy to hear him say those words and happy to see him taking it all with such stride. There was silence between them for a few moments, then Jess dared to bring up the last thought on her mind. "I guess…I guess I'll collect my things from your flat then…" She bit at her lower lip, the thought of going to his flat to do that really getting to her. She wished it was already done, just by magic all of her stuff was already back at her flat, but that just wasn't possible and she'd have to do it herself.

Becker swallowed hard, then gave a very militaristic nod. "Yes. Of course. As soon as you're ready, I presume you still have my spare key."

Jess nodded her head and then there was silence again as she considered the best time to do it. Her only thought was the sooner the better. The sooner it could all be away from Becker, the better it would be for both of them. She knew there had to be a part of him breaking and if she left anything there, it could cause him more emotion than he deserved, even if he simply tried to pull it off with the whole 'you left so and so here, do you want to come get it?' "If you don't mind…I'd like to just get it all now…"

If anything, it would definitely save him a night of crying over it all, not that he'd ever admit to doing that or even thinking of doing that. He smiled again and nodded his head. "That's fine. I'll meet you in the car park then, you can just follow me home."

He glanced around the room, looking for the best excuse and his eyes landed on his log books. "I have to drop my log books off to Lester first. He demands doing a quick check of them every couple weeks, make sure I'm logging all progress and not slacking off." He delivered the lie exactly as though it were truth and he hoped Jess wouldn't see through it. When she nodded her head and said she'd meet him there, he watched her turn her back and leave, then he listened for the echo of her heels, making sure they were down the hall before letting his face finally fall. A stream of tears immediately fell down his face and he wiped at them viciously, not wanting them there at all, just wanting to get rid of them so he didn't have to hold them back any longer. He didn't want his heart to be breaking the way it was, he didn't want to admit that he was so in love with her that it physically felt like he was being killed, he didn't want to admit any of it - he wanted to be the brave soldier he'd just been and continue to smile for her and mean every word he'd just said, even though in reality he just wanted her to stay. He could feel a powerful emotion surging through him and in the heat of it, he punched the nearest wall, then immediately regretted it as the pain shot through his hand and up his arm. He was quite lucky, in the end, that he hadn't broken it. Having let that steam off though and having drained as many tears as he possibly could, he headed for the men's room to clean his face up and run cold water over his hand to soothe it. He stood there awhile, facing the mirror and reminding himself that if he truly loved her then he had to let her go. That was what his mum had always taught him, wasn't it? But it would be then that the necklace he wore came loose of it's hold under his shirt and showed itself, swinging gently from his neck and reminding him that it had been given to him by Jess. She'd gotten it for his birthday, and she'd insisted, after much demanding, that it didn't cost nearly as much as he seemed to think it had and so he'd better just shut up and enjoy it. He smiled at the memory and pulled the pendant up to admire; two small dragon figures forming the shape of a heart. He remembered one of her main reasons was because he'd sworn up and down that he'd never wear some silly heart necklace, and so she'd gone out of her way to find the coolest one she could, something that even he couldn't deny. He laughed dryly at the memory and then wondered if he'd ever be able to take it off as he stood up straight and tucked it beneath his shirt again. Breathing deeply, he headed out of the bathroom and to the car park. Jess was already in her car, lights on and ready to pull out as soon as he was. He sighed and started his truck up, not exactly ready for what would come as he pulled out and watched her follow close behind.

He found himself keeping busy as she looked through the flat, checking off her mental list that she got everything she knew to be there. He didn't really want to watch her, and so in the end, he found himself doing the only thing he could think of - packing up the memories that belonged to him, not wanting them to remain as a reminder that she'd left him. He took photos off the fridge and off the mantle, even swiped the one from his wallet and placed them all in a small box. He gathered other mementos - such as movie ticket stubs and the shells they had collected along the shore and other such small objects from various dates - and placed them in the box as well. Anything that would possibly cause him to remember their dates that didn't belong to her, he packed up. Jess watched him do this and she wondered the entire time what he'd do with the box and why he was doing it now, while she could still see and worry about him. She would never know that in his mind he thought she'd see it as him being strong, showing her that he would be okay and could move on if that's what she wanted. What he did hope was that she wouldn't catch where he stashed it all. As she knew very well that particular drawer of his cupboard belonged to his most cherished memories, where he kept his albums from his childhood and the few gifts his mum gave him that he really had no other use for but to box away to keep as a memory. After his father passed away, that was where he decided to keep his father's old lighters, not sure he could part with the collection despite the ugly reminders they served. If Jess saw him put their stuff in there too, she'd know very well he had no plans of letting go easily.

Jess would never admit she saw him put the box of stuff away in his special drawer. If only because she understood his thought process too well. She actually thought it was sweet…or rather, bittersweet. But the fact he wanted to keep those memories close and special made her realize that if anything at all, she wasn't leaving him with nothing, she was leaving him with an open heart that was more willing to love than it had been before she met him. He'd be able to fall in love again if he let himself. She didn't have to worry about that; it was obvious to her just by the way he handled the box with such care and the way he hesitated with his necklace before placing it gently on top. She immediately walked away, before he could turn around and see her there because she knew very well he didn't want her to have seen it.

"I think I got everything," Jess said as she stood before his front door, probably for the last time in a long time. "Thank you."

"Of course, it was no problem. I wouldn't want you to be missing any of it," he answered, nodding his head.

"I guess I'll be going then." She tried to smile, tried not to let it sound like some sort of permanent goodbye. With them, it could never be goodbye anyway, they'd see each other again.

"Yeah…yeah…I'll see you later…at work." He closed his eyes a moment feeling as though the way he'd said it sounded stupid, but he couldn't bring himself to simply say goodbye, that would be too much.

She could see a certain pain in his eyes, even though he was trying so hard to fight it, and she swore she could see redness in them as well, as though somewhere along the way he'd had a chance to properly cry but she'd been too busy collecting her stuff to notice. She wondered if her next move would be considered the stupidest one by far, but she couldn't stop herself, it felt like the right thing to do. She took a deep breath, then she took a step closer, stood on her tiptoes and left him with one last kiss, hoping it wouldn't be the kind of last kiss that drove him crazy, but instead the kind of last kiss that gave him closure. With slightly teary eyes, she pulled away.

"Bye, Hilary…I'll see you tomorrow at work." Her voice was just above a whisper as she said her goodbye, then before he knew it and could fully process what had happened, she was out the door and driving away.

What he did know was that he was smiling, that he had been smiling and the last thing she saw on his face was that smile. That very brave, 'I'm not going to break' smile…because what other smile could he possibly leave her with when that was the one he knew she deserved most?


End file.
